Colonia Jesus

CJ's holidays

Holy Shitting Fuck, the globaldemic has really fucked my life up. The local fuzz has shut down my joint and the Church too. I can still hold my sermons by digital means but wtf how can I collect my taxes by fucking Skype?? The new thing is this Zoom, I am lucky if most of my flock can open their front door let alone a computer. So, I made the decision to head bubblewards and sort this shit out once and for all. The Sidewinder Express may smell of 2 week old puke and stale doritos but it beats the honk jump honk method.

I stepped into the stench and palid light of Trevithick and shudders ran down my spine, well at least I thought it was a shudder it turned out to be a steady trickle of bodily fluids unknown from the hangar ceiling. Time to get the fuck out of there. Way too many snivelling retards for me to hang round there. My first port of call was to build a halfway decent ship and start punishing these cunting bubbledwellers for pissing me round and shutting down my income.

I forgot just how shitting annoying engineering was in the Bubble, yeah you got everything maxed but fuck me you need an exploration ship to visit them all. Colonia got that shite well sorted, 4 systems all in 1 or 2 jumps and even that creepy occupied escape pods pedo is not that bad in the end. Despite my efforts I needed some credit, my now neutered cash flow was way lower than I felt comfortable with. The current best earner is Fucking mining, these bubble apes go totally twatting nuts for it. Here I am the rightful son of God and I am having to resort to shooting fucking rocks for a few coins.

Borann is the place supposedly, Albino told me of this den of inequity. So many retards, weebs, furries and downright fucked in the heads that it is enough to drive a man to murder. Sounds like my kind of place to be honest. The second I dropped in it started, the cacophony and stench of bears was everywhere, after a few moments my fucking python smelt like a Trevithick sidewinder. Summoning all my saintly strength I hit the fucking mute button and stuck some cherry flavoured bubblegum up my nostrils to hide the smell of bear shit and all the unleashed hormones. I would be back later to sort these fuckers out. Two hours and 300 million later I was out of there like a gypsy from a job centre.

To cut a long story short I built my ride and went to see my old buddy Albino the cunt. I managed to find him stalking Queen Bushrat The right royal bit on the side. I caught them dry humping each other behind the cooling towers in Davs, despite his downright pale skin Albino went the same colour as Bushy’s fucking ship. And that was that we took to our ships and headed to Borann to fucking whip those cunts into shape. No sooner were we there then the shit started, as soon as it started the fuckers paid for it, the new ship was pretty damn good, an all frag phantom.

Those miners are so fucking stupid they really are, they drop in and queue up to die, Albino recently cleaned out a 9 Cmdr instance and not one of them had the fucking idea that it was too dangerous and to fuck off sharpish. That about sums them up, a bunch of pissed up stoners that like to wax lyrical about the latest fetish they read about in their mother’s diaries. Fucking incels the lot of them.

I had all I could take so thinned out to go meet the Kings of Davs and wax a few nerds there too. Davs is one of those places where it is all or nothing, the gank gods smiled on me again, they were persecuted and obliterated for stealing the toilet rolls from the bogs at Davs. Not content with milking those fuckers dry I headed to Sothis and oh my fucking God they still never learned. I shit on them, Albino Shits on them, just about everyone else shits on them and they literally open their fucking mouths and swallow the whole pile, the greedy bastards.

I feel at this point I had made my point and that these bubble retards need to fucking knuckle down and sort their shit out. And it was time to fuck off home and see if the peelers had chinned off from outside my club church. So, what had I learned from this trip?

  • Fetid Doritos smell and taste fucking rank.
  • Not everything that drips from above is rain.
  • Bubble dwellers are massive cunting idiots that cannot even follow a trail of arrows in a supermarket when it is there to save their fucking lives.
  • Borann is thargoid for “Village full of utter cunts”
  • Davs is Thargoid for “stupid bog roll thieving fucks live here”
  • Sothis is Thargoid for “We eat shit and die”
  • Finally, Covid was a clear attempt by clever humans to eradicate the stupid fucker element from society.

Nestled down in the bosom of my congregation (well triple nippled Tinas bosoms anyway) I realised how lucky I was to be the son of god. The old man was not that bad usually. I consider myself blessed with good friends, good sport a girl friend with three tits (just do not tell the wife). I will leave you all on that positive thought, but always remember when shit gets bad and you feel pretty fucked, it was probably all your own fault.

​Who Stole All The Bog Roll

I figured my time has come to have my say on the current state of the Galaxy, Well earthlings you went and fucked it all right up you bunch of utter cunts. All you had to do was stay at home for a few weeks and sweat it out, but noooooo you could not do a simple fucking thing like that could you?? You had to rape every toilet roll shelf in the Solar System and now I got shag all to wipe my fucking arse on?? As we speak Covid-19 is spreading across the Galaxy faster than a Carebear can pull out his Ethernet cord when he sees a hollow icon on his radar. So now I am having to resort to wiping my crack on last years Christmas Carol Song sheets. I can promise you I will pay you back for every shitting paper cut I now have between my perfect cheeks.

It started with some greedy bastard eating a bloody bat, I mean what did the fucking bat ever do?? Granted the squeaky fuckers are creepier than a conference centre full of those Fricking Furries, but still what did they ever do to deserve being eaten?? Why not murder all the damn Furries and eat them?? They can stick their Fursonas right up their arse. A faggier bunch of arse bandits it would be harder to stumble across. Anyway, I digress, back to bats and the Chinese. So those shortarsed takeaway toting twats have now cursed everyone all for the sake of sucking off a bat, and now we are all being ganked by Corona.

So, there I was in my apartment laughing my dick off in Colonia at the state of the bubble as lockdown after lockdown kicked in. Thinking to myself that we were safe in my little oasis. No fucker is gonna come piss on my bonfire I thought. But no, the only thing worse than Bat chomping, bog roll hoarding, Dettol drinking Earthlings is those fucking explorers. Not content with passing their shit onto everyone for 5000Ly they come to my front fucking door. With their coughs and sniffles and 2m fucking social distancing. What a load of cack licking retards they are. Social fucking distancing?? I mean what the actual fuck, if they managed to come fucking 22000ly what is 2 metres gonna matter to em???

Anyway, no matter now they are here, like a wart on a strippers fanny they are just gonna make life awkward all round, I mean who is gonna wanna pay money to see a warty twat? They are here now and last time I had a cough like this was the last time I drank all of Bush Rats gin and found out it was Majiks fungal toe rot remedy. Yeah I got pissed but I had to wait 3 weeks for my tonsils to grow back. On the plus side those nodes on my vocal cords were fixed. I am sat here wondering what the frig to do now??? Well aside from visiting Lickdongers station and running my naked body along all the corridors and wiping my shitty arse on all their cutlery. I could ask my dad to fix the problem but he won’t he got it too and being 6-million-year-old the Feds have locked him down in his treehouse away from mum.

On a none Corona note i am pleased to say that Cmdr Bino "no i ain't fucking mexican" Sanchez has been spreading the lords word and fighting the Anarchists fight. In between slipping away to boop the BushRat at every possible opportunity. Fuego the shite knight has arrived in the region and despite his lawful claim seems to be picking a fight with every one. Phisto is just Phisto, he got to be making coin on the shit thats going down. I am betting he has a warehouse full of shit roll and hand sanitizer, all handy stuff for that sneaky finger blast or a posh wank without infecting yourself or the rest of teh population. Oh and Fuckdev have announced the release of their latest shitfest in fleet carriers, and thats great just gonna bring more dickheads from the bubble our way.

So I am going to leave now with some suggestions for making life a bit easier over the next few weeks.

  • Kill anyone whose name rhymes with Wing or Wong or is seen flying an Asp Explorer it is all their fault.
  • When sneezing always use the correct method

  • Ingesting bleach anally is said to give you a sore arse, so do not do that.
  • Covering exposed skin/orifices is advised, I have some spare condoms for those that need an all over body suit (I only used them twice)

  • Have plenty of bored games if you’re stuck indoors. Real life Cluedo is a great substitute where you can use either an explorer, lickdonger or a Curry munching bat addict as a corpse
  • The virus is said to attack the young, elderly and vulnerable first so make them sleep near the door to protect yourself.
  • If you start to run out of the essentials Call me I got a great takeaway racket going with the Golden Sun Restaurant they are doing a special on Chicken (honest)

  • Finally if all else fails Go buy some of Majiks Fungal Toe Rot remedy, it tastes like shit but by the time you sober up it will all be over.

Happy Fricking Birthday CJ

Holy Shit what a fucking party, I mean it is not every day you are 3305 years old?? It is gonna take me all year to fucking get over this hangover. It is the kind of hangover that would kill a fucking clogger before he got his hands off his keyboard. Fuck knows what happened, but my arse has burns on it and I stink of deep heat, gonna have to hold on for a while before I feel up to taking a crap. I woke up 22000 fricking Lightyears from home and I literally have no clue how the fuck that happened. Urghhh the bubble so far from my heavenly oasis.

I would not mind betting that my old man has something to do with it. The cunt probably thought it would be funny to anally intrude me with a cricket bat covered in ralgex, before fucking me back off to the festering shithole called earth. I mean I kind of deserve it, I guess. The house painted in shit thing kind of annoyed him more than he let on. I mean one minute I am choosing which triple nippled beauty was getting my holy divineness for the night and then bam I was jumped by what seemed to be like the whole cast of the fucking bible. Trussed up and thrown into the ball pit at shooters for a surprise party. It was a double celebration to be honest, in the first instance it was to get me so fucked up in memory of my birthday and also to say a huge Thanks to those Cmdrs that worked tirelessly to bmake G5 Interdictors a reality in Colonia. headed up by our very own Cmdr Brap Man his efforts will surely be put to good use in the coming months and years, cheers Cmdrs for such a special gift.

Booze flowed onionhead rained down like mana from heaven and all my mates were there. I think I caught a glimpse of one of the Lost Souls in there too, still fucking crying like a salty bitch though. Anyway, all I can really remember was beer, blow an elephant and some fleeting glimpses of triple nipple Tina performing her party trick for all to see, how she got all those in her mouth I have no fucking idea. The rest was blank, more blank than Fresse Blutstroms screen after he pulled the cord for yet another clog. And now here I am, 22000 lightyears from home, no money, no ships and no fucking clue what is going on. So I looked up my old buddy Albino. He came and picked me up and took me on a wild ride of death and debauchery in an attempt to sober me up.

Dav’s got my attention first followed by an evening or two in Sothis. I see why Albino bought himself a holiday home down there, fucking idiots in shieldless ships and no fucking armour deserve everything they get. I see he has taken to spreading my own style of gospel with extreme effect. I thought I could gank but fucking hell that Albino is a ganking machine. I almost felt sorry for the poor twats we dunked that day; they had no chance. But why, why is it always those elite cmdrs that clog? Cmdr Sinisterror can you tell me???? You dirty fucking twat.

Right now though we are sat in Hajangai , home of the Lost Souls expedition burning notoriety and sticking two fingers up at Cmdr Avarice and his cronies. All those threats and all those promises of retribution hahahah fucking cuntards. I am the lord of retribution I am COLONIA FUCKING JESUS. I kind of got no idea what is gonna happen next but Bushrats crew are here in the bubble too, strange coincidence that if you cunting well ask me. I am gonna loan a ship off Albino and pop over and have a “chat” once my arse calms down. I may as well do some shit (hurts just thinking about it to be honest) while I am here too, and finally sort out a ride back to the Nebula. So till I do finally get back don’t burn the place down and stay safe my children. And do not forget 364 days till my birthday fuckers so get saving.

No fucking Parish Notices because some cunt posted me to Earth

​Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Cunts be everywhere these days; you cannot fart without one dribbling out you’re arse. And Colonia has its fair share of spunktrumpets that’s for sure. Seems everyone Is abandoning the region at the moment. The Herc bois did one to Sag A and are now safely back in the bubble, The Rats have got the fumigators in so have buggered off back to the bubble too while they try and clean their place up. But saddest of all Albino has chinned off too. Only plus side is we get to welcome a couple of old friends back to the region to fuck your shit up instead.

As for me well I got me a lovely new paintjob for my imperial clitoris. The Clipper looks great and is even better when it orgasms frag ammo all over those fucking shitnecks that keep turning up unannounced. Cmdr StarFox is back in town he was the guy that sold me the Clipper. Good to see him back in Colonia space. It had been quiet since Herc left to be honest (not surprising really as they killed most of the population), but a few Commanders are making their way from under their rocks.

Rumour has it that Lickdonger are going to change their Squadron tag soon, from LOCO to LOGO as it befits their combat style much better. Seems that they teach them the art of the Clog in basic training in Germany. I bet it is them fuckers that opened that fucking Coffee shop up opposite my gaff. They really are like fleas, small, insignificant and rarely seen but so fucking irritating. I took a wander over to The Cosmic Café, it stunk of salami and shit coffee. I asked them for a simple coffee?? You think a coffee bar would be able to do that?? NO!! no fucking chance. I could have had Vanilla Fuckshit, Mokka Craptard, Espresso Arsewipe but no all I fucking wanted was a jar of Nescafe and some fucking milk, even Aldi cheapo shit would have done. I burned the place down that night.

There has been some resistance of late though to the more unlawful activity, never enough to put anyone off their stroke mind you but resistance none the less. Cmdr Kiaido was last seen running away from my Clipper yesterday when he realised his beams merely tickled the hull beneath my shields, whereas my frags were just too strong for him. Kudos on him for trying though. Not seen the interstellar Forest Gump this week though, good old Istvan, lucky for him there is no tax on hi waking or he would be fucking skint.

So as I mentioned earlier Albino left. Colonia was to slow for him and his bloodlust was rather reinvigorated after the Lost Souls shit. He took back his distant Ganks Conda and as far as I know is back on the gonk train. Sad to see the faggot go tbh, but in another way I am glad as he shagged two of my girl so much they had to go on vacation for a month to recover and another needed her third tit reattached.

The CEI has lived up to it’s own very low standards too this week, the herc bois smashed over 150 Cmdrs in the region and not a single mention in the CEI network, I interdict one fucking ambassador and all of a sudden they want to know what or who I am and my history is analysed (or should I say analised). Well fuck you I am gonna take my place at the CEI table soon enough as the SDC rep for the region, then I will tell you exactly who the fuck I am, but just for clarities sake I will tell you now.

I AM FUCKING COLONIA FUCKING JESUS ok???? The scourge of the bath tub, penetrator of virgins, drinker of bleach, murderer of whatever I feel like. My dad is kind of a big thing in the universe despite being an utter cunt to me usually. So there now you know. And do not forget it is my Birthday sooni expect lots of nice gifts.

Lost and Found

Found : - 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks, smell slightly of shit coffee but ideal for those company barbecues. Free to whoever comes first to get them Contact CJ himself.

Lost : - Single green breast, last seen in Albino Sanchez's pocket, please return if you see him or my tit.

Lost : - missing presumed dead, 1 x coffee shop, was there last night when i locked up but someone replaced it woth 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks that smell a bit funky.

Situations Vacant

Instructor Position Available : Position available for Combat Log Instructor at the Likedeeler Academy, will work alongside a crack clogging squad to make sure that Likedeelers Clogging skills are as fucking excellent as they have always been. Position requires good knowledge of ALT + F4 and "Pull the fucking internet out quick" techniques. Cmdrs Blutstrom and Sato2015 lead the team but most are experienced in the art.

​A Prayer For The Lost Souls Of The Galaxy

Fuck me what a week, talk about action-packed. You can stick your fire and brimstone up your arse bloodshed and salt is where it is at. We have had tears, shocks, boom booms and just downright tantrums. Sounds like a weekend at Madame La Bushrats gaff to be honest (just without the chains and nipple clamps). It was a week of surprises as well, not just for me but for other people in the Galaxy. Albino came home my brethren arrived to a hero’s welcome and life has just been so damn rosy.

So where to start?? We can always start with the Lost Souls of the Fatherhood I guess. Fuck me they could not organise a piss up in a brewery that lot, could not get Mary pregnant in a fucking sperm bank I tell ya. Albino sent me this from the Colonia Highway.

“I am fed up with these cunts, talk about needing a good fucking walloping. I spend weeks perfecting a ship just for this very moment and do they appreciate it??? Do they fuck. Do they consider the poor Cmdrs that had to die to make sure the ship worked?? No, do they fuck, all they think about is themselves and their shitting exploration data?? All those first discoveries and lost credits. What a bunch of fucking twats. “Wow look at me flip my cunt- arsed SRV I wish I had fucking recorded that hahahahah”. “oh wow look he lifted me off the ground on his ship, I am so high hehehehe”

Well CJ I get you now, I know I am not cut out for this clean-living bullshit. The time has come to make these fuckers pay.”

And pay they did, by the bucket load. If Albino could package that salt and sell it he could keep Macdonalds in condiments for millenia. What followed next restored my faith in the young chap. You may not like it but the subterfuge and execution (in more than one way) was simply epic. What was to follow was immeasurably exquisite. Salt the likes of which has never been seen before. I dunno about the threats or bounties placed on him but it did wonders for the popularity of my sermons that’s for sure. So, I guess in some ways I should thank Cmdr Avarice for his public statement, shame he got half the facts wrong ignorant shit.

Anyway to cut a long story short, he infiltrated, fucked shit up and fucked off. They started crying and bullshitted the community. Mission accomplished buddy. I have been accomodating him for the last week at Shooters, he fucked all the girls, drank all the booze and smoked all the Onionhead and left me an IOU and 20 Hutton mugs full of tears????

What else??? Well there has been an influx of dirty gankers in the region, Mant3z and his HERC sqn have been ripping up the region, having fun with the Ratpac. I did tell Bushrat that I was getting the pest control in if they did not stop fucking multiplying. Of course with increased activity brings the dirty ass shitster clogtards to the region. Sadly Lickdonger did not cover themselves with glory this week with Cmdr Fresse Blutstrom showing his true colours (yellow). For Fucks sake you sackless cunt stay in solo If you are scared. Colonia Limpdicks made a brief appearance before quickly activating their cloaking devices, shit talk is good on the other side of the Open Play fence eh??

So, as you can see there was little room for any real shenanigans this week, the bloodbath continues and The Fatherhood are probably still wondering what the fuck happened?? On a parting note (specifically for Cmdr Irilya reinhart) I have to ask now if she thinks that when she blew up by stacking on Albinos ship at Waypoint one was really an accident?? Hmm I think not. I know she will read this as she does such a stellar effort at reading my sermons and Albinos blogs on stream.

Lost and Found

Lost : the fucking will to live after spending time with a bunch of cunts. If anyone finds any will to live please post to Albino Sanchez at the following address...

13, Wheres My Fucking Explo Data Lane

who the fuck shot me city

County wefuckedupthePG


Lost : 200 Hutton Mugs at WP4 Lost souls expedition, if found send to Irilya so she can lose them all again.

Lost: cmdr Fresse Blutsrom of Lickmyassdeeler, last seen urgently stabbing at his task manager to escape certain death. if found send him home his short pants are back from the laundry after he shit them.

Found: 200 Hutton Mugs free to good home previous owner carelessly dropped them along with 3 weeks of exploration data they stupidly did not cash in. Contact Albino at...

1 wheeee look at me road

my SRV's stuck town

WTF-happenedtomyhull shire


Situations Vacant

Expedition members needed due to unforseen circumstances, 8 vancancies available for 8 lucky candidates, must provide their own ship. Decent shields and references required. Great views and explosive meetings guaranteed. Contact The Fatherhood and if they can get their thumb out of their arse them may hire you.


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