Colonia Jesus

CJ's holidays

Holy Shitting Fuck, the globaldemic has really fucked my life up. The local fuzz has shut down my joint and the Church too. I can still hold my sermons by digital means but wtf how can I collect my taxes by fucking Skype?? The new thing is this Zoom, I am lucky if most of my flock can open their front door let alone a computer. So, I made the decision to head bubblewards and sort this shit out once and for all. The Sidewinder Express may smell of 2 week old puke and stale doritos but it beats the honk jump honk method.

I stepped into the stench and palid light of Trevithick and shudders ran down my spine, well at least I thought it was a shudder it turned out to be a steady trickle of bodily fluids unknown from the hangar ceiling. Time to get the fuck out of there. Way too many snivelling retards for me to hang round there. My first port of call was to build a halfway decent ship and start punishing these cunting bubbledwellers for pissing me round and shutting down my income.



I forgot just how shitting annoying engineering was in the Bubble, yeah you got everything maxed but fuck me you need an exploration ship to visit them all. Colonia got that shite well sorted, 4 systems all in 1 or 2 jumps and even that creepy occupied escape pods pedo is not that bad in the end. Despite my efforts I needed some credit, my now neutered cash flow was way lower than I felt comfortable with. The current best earner is Fucking mining, these bubble apes go totally twatting nuts for it. Here I am the rightful son of God and I am having to resort to shooting fucking rocks for a few coins.

Borann is the place supposedly, Albino told me of this den of inequity. So many retards, weebs, furries and downright fucked in the heads that it is enough to drive a man to murder. Sounds like my kind of place to be honest. The second I dropped in it started, the cacophony and stench of bears was everywhere, after a few moments my fucking python smelt like a Trevithick sidewinder. Summoning all my saintly strength I hit the fucking mute button and stuck some cherry flavoured bubblegum up my nostrils to hide the smell of bear shit and all the unleashed hormones. I would be back later to sort these fuckers out. Two hours and 300 million later I was out of there like a gypsy from a job centre.



To cut a long story short I built my ride and went to see my old buddy Albino the cunt. I managed to find him stalking Queen Bushrat The right royal bit on the side. I caught them dry humping each other behind the cooling towers in Davs, despite his downright pale skin Albino went the same colour as Bushy’s fucking ship. And that was that we took to our ships and headed to Borann to fucking whip those cunts into shape. No sooner were we there then the shit started, as soon as it started the fuckers paid for it, the new ship was pretty damn good, an all frag phantom.



Those miners are so fucking stupid they really are, they drop in and queue up to die, Albino recently cleaned out a 9 Cmdr instance and not one of them had the fucking idea that it was too dangerous and to fuck off sharpish. That about sums them up, a bunch of pissed up stoners that like to wax lyrical about the latest fetish they read about in their mother’s diaries. Fucking incels the lot of them.



I had all I could take so thinned out to go meet the Kings of Davs and wax a few nerds there too. Davs is one of those places where it is all or nothing, the gank gods smiled on me again, they were persecuted and obliterated for stealing the toilet rolls from the bogs at Davs. Not content with milking those fuckers dry I headed to Sothis and oh my fucking God they still never learned. I shit on them, Albino Shits on them, just about everyone else shits on them and they literally open their fucking mouths and swallow the whole pile, the greedy bastards.



I feel at this point I had made my point and that these bubble retards need to fucking knuckle down and sort their shit out. And it was time to fuck off home and see if the peelers had chinned off from outside my club church. So, what had I learned from this trip?

  • Fetid Doritos smell and taste fucking rank.
  • Not everything that drips from above is rain.
  • Bubble dwellers are massive cunting idiots that cannot even follow a trail of arrows in a supermarket when it is there to save their fucking lives.
  • Borann is thargoid for “Village full of utter cunts”
  • Davs is Thargoid for “stupid bog roll thieving fucks live here”
  • Sothis is Thargoid for “We eat shit and die”
  • Finally, Covid was a clear attempt by clever humans to eradicate the stupid fucker element from society.


Nestled down in the bosom of my congregation (well triple nippled Tinas bosoms anyway) I realised how lucky I was to be the son of god. The old man was not that bad usually. I consider myself blessed with good friends, good sport a girl friend with three tits (just do not tell the wife). I will leave you all on that positive thought, but always remember when shit gets bad and you feel pretty fucked, it was probably all your own fault.

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