Colonia Jesus

​Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Cunts be everywhere these days; you cannot fart without one dribbling out you’re arse. And Colonia has its fair share of spunktrumpets that’s for sure. Seems everyone Is abandoning the region at the moment. The Herc bois did one to Sag A and are now safely back in the bubble, The Rats have got the fumigators in so have buggered off back to the bubble too while they try and clean their place up. But saddest of all Albino has chinned off too. Only plus side is we get to welcome a couple of old friends back to the region to fuck your shit up instead.




As for me well I got me a lovely new paintjob for my imperial clitoris. The Clipper looks great and is even better when it orgasms frag ammo all over those fucking shitnecks that keep turning up unannounced. Cmdr StarFox is back in town he was the guy that sold me the Clipper. Good to see him back in Colonia space. It had been quiet since Herc left to be honest (not surprising really as they killed most of the population), but a few Commanders are making their way from under their rocks.



Rumour has it that Lickdonger are going to change their Squadron tag soon, from LOCO to LOGO as it befits their combat style much better. Seems that they teach them the art of the Clog in basic training in Germany. I bet it is them fuckers that opened that fucking Coffee shop up opposite my gaff. They really are like fleas, small, insignificant and rarely seen but so fucking irritating. I took a wander over to The Cosmic Café, it stunk of salami and shit coffee. I asked them for a simple coffee?? You think a coffee bar would be able to do that?? NO!! no fucking chance. I could have had Vanilla Fuckshit, Mokka Craptard, Espresso Arsewipe but no all I fucking wanted was a jar of Nescafe and some fucking milk, even Aldi cheapo shit would have done. I burned the place down that night.



There has been some resistance of late though to the more unlawful activity, never enough to put anyone off their stroke mind you but resistance none the less. Cmdr Kiaido was last seen running away from my Clipper yesterday when he realised his beams merely tickled the hull beneath my shields, whereas my frags were just too strong for him. Kudos on him for trying though. Not seen the interstellar Forest Gump this week though, good old Istvan, lucky for him there is no tax on hi waking or he would be fucking skint.



So as I mentioned earlier Albino left. Colonia was to slow for him and his bloodlust was rather reinvigorated after the Lost Souls shit. He took back his distant Ganks Conda and as far as I know is back on the gonk train. Sad to see the faggot go tbh, but in another way I am glad as he shagged two of my girl so much they had to go on vacation for a month to recover and another needed her third tit reattached.



The CEI has lived up to it’s own very low standards too this week, the herc bois smashed over 150 Cmdrs in the region and not a single mention in the CEI network, I interdict one fucking ambassador and all of a sudden they want to know what or who I am and my history is analysed (or should I say analised). Well fuck you I am gonna take my place at the CEI table soon enough as the SDC rep for the region, then I will tell you exactly who the fuck I am, but just for clarities sake I will tell you now.



I AM FUCKING COLONIA FUCKING JESUS ok???? The scourge of the bath tub, penetrator of virgins, drinker of bleach, murderer of whatever I feel like. My dad is kind of a big thing in the universe despite being an utter cunt to me usually. So there now you know. And do not forget it is my Birthday sooni expect lots of nice gifts.




Lost and Found


Found : - 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks, smell slightly of shit coffee but ideal for those company barbecues. Free to whoever comes first to get them Contact CJ himself.

Lost : - Single green breast, last seen in Albino Sanchez's pocket, please return if you see him or my tit.

Lost : - missing presumed dead, 1 x coffee shop, was there last night when i locked up but someone replaced it woth 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks that smell a bit funky.



Situations Vacant


Instructor Position Available : Position available for Combat Log Instructor at the Likedeeler Academy, will work alongside a crack clogging squad to make sure that Likedeelers Clogging skills are as fucking excellent as they have always been. Position requires good knowledge of ALT + F4 and "Pull the fucking internet out quick" techniques. Cmdrs Blutstrom and Sato2015 lead the team but most are experienced in the art.




Elite & Danagerous are an affiliate of Frontier Developments. We are not employed by Frontier Developments in any way.
The use of Frontier Developments graphics and other intellectual property is with the express permission granted to us by Frontier Developments.
The CCN logos are provided courtesy of their creator whose other work can be found
here