Colonia Jesus

There's A Party Over Here!!!

OUCH my head hurts more than a Limpdicks ego after yet another failed attempt at Combat. This was a week of education and celebration. I celebrated the education of some right fuckwits. I settled an age old conflict with my good buddy Satan, Bush-Rat renamed her ship in my honour, Phisto fucked off back to the bubble to see his other woman, Schitt Staynes made an attempt at being a traffic warden dealing with incorrectly parked vehicles and Cmdr Sanchez has been claiming mining taxes in the name of CJ.




Let’s start with the big story of the week, I was sat in Jaques Bar earlier this week when some red dude with horns and shitty smelling breath, comes in asking about me?? I mean ffs how obvious can I be being sat in the corner bathed in celestial light and fucking HALO above my head saying, “HERE I FUCKING AM YOU CUNT”????? Anyway, seems that my old mucker Lucifer was looking for me and here he was The Dark Lord Himself, all I can say is he must have balls like a stainless steel Elephant to come to my back yard looking for me. I won’t spoil the surprise too much but needless to say I waited for him to leave and followed him out and ganked his satanic ass. He never saw it coming, till it was way too late, his ancient spells caused him to warp in an attempt to evade me, but he was simply outclassed and in no time at all I had saved the populous of Colonia from his pestilence.




I had word from Cmdr Sanchez that he had intercepted one of the limpdicks in the bubble (they sharp got the fuck out of dodge that’s for sure). One quick explosion later (par for the course for them to be honest) and a quick “Hail Anarchy” and it was done. FYI limpdicks you are never off the hit list even in the bubble. With taxes extracted he sent his cut to the church along with a dozen other welcome donations.



The lickdongers have been fairly quiet recently but then they never show their faces much anyway. Their king of the low wake and log, Cmdr Bothin showed just how classy they are this week when he was blown up by his own fighter ship while exploring. Respects to Brother Swizzy for this little gem. Next time when you are out multicrewing don’t let some dude fly your fighter when you are in the main menu. Hope you enjoyed your free Arx.




Good to see Cmdr Schitt Staynes back in the region, I bestowed upon him the holy order of the halo and in return he spent his time dishing out parking violations in the region. Please refrain from leaving your unattended trade ships outside the station, it makes it look so damn messy. Good job Cmdr Staynes. At least he is more dependable than that damn anarchist Phisto, constantly flitting off back to the bubble on “duty”.



So now you can see why I have a hangover that would kill a legionnaire (nothing unusual there tbh), It has been a good week in the nebula and celebration was warranted, although that last brandy and coke Emil gave me tasted like piss, at least he said it was brandy and coke??? I was so pissed I didn’t really give a shit. I mean I was so drunk I never woke up at all yesterday, Dad gave me a bollocking some shit about “you only have to do one day a week and you can’t even do that??” the crusty old twat turned off the internet again as a result. You guessed it … no twatting Fortnite for me again.



So, I will wrap up there with some notices and try to recover before next week. Take care my little Colonians and do not forget 72 days till my birthday.




LOST/FOUND


LOST:- 3 days worth of memories missing, beleived to be in the vicinity of Jaques Bar or Shooters strip joint (ahem bar for eloquent gentlemen i should say), if anyone finds them please burn any photos and destroy negatives thanks.

LOST:- One times Anaconda missing in space, last seen at main menu returned to main game and ship was gone along with crew member and one SLF. Please send any info to Cmdr Bothin of Lickdonger.


FOUND:- Remnants of Colonia Legionnaire, discovered in the bubble by Cmdr Albino Sanchez, if any of the CL76 guys want to come claim him please bring a pair of bollocks i am sure that one of you somewhere has a pair.


SITUATIONS VACANT


Superb opportunty available. Due to untimely exit of predecessor an AntiChrist is required to fill this exciting role. Uniform and equipment provided, excellent rates of pay and nice warm dwelling all part of the package. Minimum contract length is eternity or death whichever comes sooner. Perks include , as many virgins as you can handle, free gardening equipment, free horn manicures and as much pigs blood as you can drink.


please apply to PO BOX DEV1L



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