Colonia Jesus

​Trust In Jesus, (he only wants what is yours)


I would like to apologise for my laziness in not greeting my flock last week, but I won’t so just get the fuck over it ok?? There were reasons (probably good reasons) but the truth is I just couldn’t be arsed. Anyway, WELCOME my children, how have we all been this past fortnite (still fucking banned by my dad the cunt btw)? For me I spent the time sorting out some business and generally doing whatever I wanted. I would like to say it was productive and worthwhile but it only gave me a hangover that would kill an exploder, and empty pockets.



Well, the good news is that my man Albino is heading to town. He has given up his ways and seen the light, I have no idea what’s up with the soft twat, but he is currently headed here as part of the Lost Souls Expedition. Seems he had too much death and debauchery and needs a holiday to get his melon straight. So, if any of you see him do say hi and point him to Carcosa where he will be staying. I booked him into the celestial suite for his stay with only the finest triple breasted beauties to look after him. I shall do my very best to corrupt this poor deluded child and revert him back to his former ways.



Seems I am not the only one to have a bit of a holiday, it has been quiet in the region this last week or two. Bush-Rat has been doing her do, recruiting the local nabs and noobs. She has even wormed her way into my dads good books and borrowed his sex swing for her “parties”, in her very own words to me.

TheBushRat:- Lol tell him I said hi and thanks for lending me his sex swing

Colonia Jesus:- i wondered where that went

TheBushRat:- Lol bless him, There’s some blasphemy for you lol. God lends Bushrat bondage equipment, Madame le Bushrat

So from now on Bush-Rat shall be known as Madame La Bushrat. Her reputation seems to be spreading, although she seems to scare off as many commanders as she recruits nowadays.



The donglickers seem to have been put back in their box again, wings clipped and thoroughly fucked on. The dickless wonders formerly know as Colonia Limpdicks seem to have totally vanished, guessing their War game was so bad they just fucking gave up altogether. The anarchists have been noticably absent also, Phisto seems to have vanished off the face of the galaxy. In fact if it were not for the Bratpac i would see no fucker round here. Although i did bump into Cmdr Amidala from Ronin of Aramak last night, pleasant chap wanted to share his lasers with me. Cannot complain tbh i was only in the system waiting for some nab in a type 10 to leave jaques so i could donate my plasma to him. Whilst i may have evaded mr Amidala i know Cmdr Peacekeeper11 was not so successful. Being the mother hen she is Madame la Bushrat stirred her bois into action with a promise of cookies, manicures and a blast on my dads sex swing. As yet any of them have yet to earn any of those bribes, or maybe the thought of the sex swing is putting them all off their stroke aim.



Hilarious moment of the week was me trying to christen Cmdr Aldarion 3twoalpha outside Jaques. having spied the Distant Worlds 2 Bullseye on his hull, i had to save his sorry soul from the dark lord and his agents. It started with a gentle rub, a little nudge, a love tap you could say i guess. His shields gently gave as we exited the slot. Within a few moments his hull was exposed and was ready to be penetrated by my hardpoints. It was at this point that it all went south. I extended my hardpoints and prepared to fire my load into the ships soft belly, when ........ nothing happened, impotent, no pew pew no pfft pfft no nothing. My heart sank as my seedless weaponry flapped in the vacuum of space. As i checked my ship my objective was slowly slipping away from my grasp, there was nothing for it i flung my ship at it's cockpit. Ramming for all i was worth, i caught a glimpse of that DW2 Decal as the lovers tryst climaxed and Aldarion exploded in front of my eyes. Exquisite pleasure lasted mere milliseconds (for me anyway) as all evidence of the affair evaporated leaving me alone outside the station. It was at this point i thought i best get the fuck out of there before the same happened to me.



Anyway my flock i am spent (in more ways than one) and have nothing else to tell you i guess, so stay safe and keep an eye out for this combat logging criminals out there. Always have a gun to hand and your interdictors warmed


See you all next week. MAYBE!!


​Never Let The Truth Get In The Way Of A Good Story.

o, I had dreams of a bumper week of stuff to tell you and shizzle to get off my chest, the truth is it has been boring as fuck and I have been dipping my wick elsewhere other than Colonia and the Elite Universe. That said I will endeavour to entertain you reprobates for the next 5 minutes anyway. Where to begin??? Well, errr…., so, right yeah the Lickdongers , bunch of cunts right??? They seem to be throwing their weight round in places they really should get the fuck out of. The Limpdicks have all but disappeared (not that they were ever very obvious with that Romulan cloaking tech they stole)

The Ratpac seems to be growing ever larger, so much so I got no twat to shoot at anymore. Well the Silverbacks may be back on the menu if they keep pushing the Anarchists. And of course the lickers of dongs are always good to plasmatise. Speaking with Bush-Rat the other night and it seems that some people have taken to ignoring her or declining her friend requests?? Maybe they heard of her reputation ?? I dunno if Essex girls are a thing in 3305 but yeah they are probably wise to steer clear to be honest. Fake Tan, Botox and White stilettos must make flying a mammoth nail bar a bit tricky.




Like I said I have been playing away this last week, looking for that spark I used to have, The closest I got to the good old days was winging up wiv me murdermate good ole Schitt Staynes. Still pretty quiet out here but we did teach The Hairy One that it is rude to not accept miss Bush-rats invite. His vette was strong, but an ass full of grom and a belly full of Fragasm and he was spent. That’s the best minute and 20 seconds he’s ever had I assure you.



To be honest I have been reconsidering my lifestyle and thinking about laying off the booze, boobies and banging the fuck out of anyone I feel like, so much so that I shut the bar for a few days (well that’s what I was telling people) the truth was the Inter Galactic Health Team shut me down. Apparently, they discovered that I had gotten round the Colonian Olive Embargo by using Limpdicks useless gonads as a replacement in the cocktail bar. Dunno who the fuck grassed me up but there was no other use for them as we all know the limpdicks had no use for any balls.



I do not know if you people are aware but in a former life, I used to be a teacher. I was one of the esteemed Galactic Academy Mentors, a title I was most proud of at one time. Now I would not piss on them if doing so would save my own life. Seems they screwed the place into the ground and have pretty much allowed anyone to spout utter bullshit if they want. Sounds a bit like the CEI discord tbh but with less people. To be honest they need all the help they can get and they seem keen to ostracise anyone that has any knowledge in preference for a right bunch of turdbrains at the moment. The current crop of mentors do not seem to do much and when they do it is always way too late.



Well I ran out of anything remotely interesting to say now (that’s considering any of you found it interesting in the first place). So i guess i will just let you lot get on with planning my surprise birthday party, only 65 days to go chaps and chappesses .



FOR SALE / WANTED


For Sale: 2 dozen slightly soggy testicles, original owners had no use for them and i need to shift them pretty quick so come and get em while you can, ideal treats for your pet.


There's A Party Over Here!!!

OUCH my head hurts more than a Limpdicks ego after yet another failed attempt at Combat. This was a week of education and celebration. I celebrated the education of some right fuckwits. I settled an age old conflict with my good buddy Satan, Bush-Rat renamed her ship in my honour, Phisto fucked off back to the bubble to see his other woman, Schitt Staynes made an attempt at being a traffic warden dealing with incorrectly parked vehicles and Cmdr Sanchez has been claiming mining taxes in the name of CJ.




Let’s start with the big story of the week, I was sat in Jaques Bar earlier this week when some red dude with horns and shitty smelling breath, comes in asking about me?? I mean ffs how obvious can I be being sat in the corner bathed in celestial light and fucking HALO above my head saying, “HERE I FUCKING AM YOU CUNT”????? Anyway, seems that my old mucker Lucifer was looking for me and here he was The Dark Lord Himself, all I can say is he must have balls like a stainless steel Elephant to come to my back yard looking for me. I won’t spoil the surprise too much but needless to say I waited for him to leave and followed him out and ganked his satanic ass. He never saw it coming, till it was way too late, his ancient spells caused him to warp in an attempt to evade me, but he was simply outclassed and in no time at all I had saved the populous of Colonia from his pestilence.




I had word from Cmdr Sanchez that he had intercepted one of the limpdicks in the bubble (they sharp got the fuck out of dodge that’s for sure). One quick explosion later (par for the course for them to be honest) and a quick “Hail Anarchy” and it was done. FYI limpdicks you are never off the hit list even in the bubble. With taxes extracted he sent his cut to the church along with a dozen other welcome donations.



The lickdongers have been fairly quiet recently but then they never show their faces much anyway. Their king of the low wake and log, Cmdr Bothin showed just how classy they are this week when he was blown up by his own fighter ship while exploring. Respects to Brother Swizzy for this little gem. Next time when you are out multicrewing don’t let some dude fly your fighter when you are in the main menu. Hope you enjoyed your free Arx.




Good to see Cmdr Schitt Staynes back in the region, I bestowed upon him the holy order of the halo and in return he spent his time dishing out parking violations in the region. Please refrain from leaving your unattended trade ships outside the station, it makes it look so damn messy. Good job Cmdr Staynes. At least he is more dependable than that damn anarchist Phisto, constantly flitting off back to the bubble on “duty”.



So now you can see why I have a hangover that would kill a legionnaire (nothing unusual there tbh), It has been a good week in the nebula and celebration was warranted, although that last brandy and coke Emil gave me tasted like piss, at least he said it was brandy and coke??? I was so pissed I didn’t really give a shit. I mean I was so drunk I never woke up at all yesterday, Dad gave me a bollocking some shit about “you only have to do one day a week and you can’t even do that??” the crusty old twat turned off the internet again as a result. You guessed it … no twatting Fortnite for me again.



So, I will wrap up there with some notices and try to recover before next week. Take care my little Colonians and do not forget 72 days till my birthday.




LOST/FOUND


LOST:- 3 days worth of memories missing, beleived to be in the vicinity of Jaques Bar or Shooters strip joint (ahem bar for eloquent gentlemen i should say), if anyone finds them please burn any photos and destroy negatives thanks.

LOST:- One times Anaconda missing in space, last seen at main menu returned to main game and ship was gone along with crew member and one SLF. Please send any info to Cmdr Bothin of Lickdonger.


FOUND:- Remnants of Colonia Legionnaire, discovered in the bubble by Cmdr Albino Sanchez, if any of the CL76 guys want to come claim him please bring a pair of bollocks i am sure that one of you somewhere has a pair.


SITUATIONS VACANT


Superb opportunty available. Due to untimely exit of predecessor an AntiChrist is required to fill this exciting role. Uniform and equipment provided, excellent rates of pay and nice warm dwelling all part of the package. Minimum contract length is eternity or death whichever comes sooner. Perks include , as many virgins as you can handle, free gardening equipment, free horn manicures and as much pigs blood as you can drink.


please apply to PO BOX DEV1L



Whose Fucking MOJO Is This??????

This week was taken up mainly pootling around looking for my mojo, I think I dropped it somewhere between Colonia Dream and Robardin. Anyway, it was not there when I went back some fucker clearly pocketed it. So, I went to see the old man and for some reason the dickhead was in a good mood, I mean you would expect the creator of the multiverse would be a fairly happy chappy but nah he really is a cantankerous old twat usually. As I said the old git was in a good mood, must have had his oats last night or something, as a result he was able to bestow me with a new mojo. He must have bought it off Uncle Phisto because I spent all week wazzing around like a bee on speed. This mojo was clearly not from a sustainable and traceable source that’s for sure.



With renewed vigour I was up for it, those bitches at the club proper got it, I would say that they would be walking bow legged for a month if that was not normal for them anyway (it is the weight of the extra boob you see). Took the clogger flogger out for a blast and warmed up the guns on a few people and was soon generally feeling just like my old self. I even did my bit to help out the Colonia Limpdicks too, as they are so fucking inept at policing the place I did it for them. Cmdr Hamster-Beaver you paid dearly for that speeding fine and you deserved every last ounce of that frag ammo I donated to your arsehole. Cmdr Brapman summed it up perfectly when he said “CJ has done more anti-griefing work than CL76”



Speaking of the ever-invisible twats, I caught up with Cmdr Herault Manse this week. A personable fellow and one that I never really understood why he was in the limpdicks. Seems he had enough of there inability to exist in the open world and has in fact moved on from them. I am pleased to say that Mr Manse is no longer on my hit list. Last seen Herault was farming Ceos / Sothis where his wise decision has undoubtedly saved his life. My man Albino has been doing the old mans work like a fucking furyan deathslayer. What can I say my boy has been racking up those kills like they were going out of fashion? Herault would most certainly have been in those numbers if I had not convinced Albino to show mercy for his wise decision to fuck the limpdicks off.





it would seem however that the solonairres have been well and truly fucked over and given up, unable to make a dent in anyone’s duvet let alone their armour they have concluded their “aggressive” actions after suffering 30 losses and not a single fucking kill on anyone. We can all sleep better at night now knowing that the idiots are not gonna shoot themselves in the eye and make their first kill on one of their own.



So, what now after the excitement seems to have died down?? Well the Ratpac seem to be growing at an exponential rate, recruiting members rapidly. A harmless group of cmdrs with big ships that seem to like enjoying themselves, you cannot miss Cmdr Bush-Rats ship by the way it looks like a 900 tonne beauty salon, I mean if you do not see it coming you will smell the hairspray 100Ls away. At the rate they are recruiting i won't have anyone left to plasmatise.




And thats it for an action packed week, i am off to the bar for a stiff drink and to work off some more of this damn Mojo my old man gave me. Don't forget to make a donation as you leave, i would like to say it is optional but then so is the fact whether i let you leave at all i guess. And most of all do not forget only 80 days till my birthday fuckers so do not forget.





LOST AND FOUND



Lost : one mojo slightly grey in colour and smells a little funky, please return to Colonia Jesus before the one he has gets him a dose or somethign worse. Reward for safe return.


Found : one bale of moral fibre, belongs to the limpdicks. If one of them (if there are any left) wants to come get it then they can just fuick right off.



FOR SALE/WANTED


For sale : 2 dozen empty apartments in Post Code CL76 previous occupants have deserted and no one has a shitting clue where they went.


Wanted : New or second hand a Sheriffs badge fit for a minor Deity, in case he has a fit of lawfulness again in the future.

Oh No! There Goes My Mojo

So another seriously fucked up week in the Galaxy, Seems that some people just cannot get shit right. As a result, I have lost the urge to do anything. Maybe I spent too long in shooters on Saturday night or that Onionhead Phisto sold me was seriously bad, but I don’t have my usual spark. Still I have my flock to look after and there has been an influx of new Cmdrs to the area lately. I always offer to put them up in my establishment, few turn me down when i trell them of the specials we have opn offer. "BUY 3 Drinks and pay for a 4th" and "outdrink the girl and get a free night of passion for 800 Arx" they seem to be very popular.





Seems that the Limpdicks (CL76) have stolen the plans for the Romulans cloaking device as none have seen open play for the last week. Those that did bought a one-way ticket to the plot outside the back of my house. They lost the war in Carcosa and seem to be slipping back everywhere else, except that is for the system they cannot lose (great idea Colonia Cockwads take residence in a protected system and claim to be the saviours of the region). It has also come to light that they resorted to griefing to try to get their own way. “Join us to defeat the griefers or we will grief you?” Seems the Anarchists and supporters are tearing CL76 a new arsehole (I am sure they can find a use for another arsehole as they have plenty of them)



You may remember that last week FDev fucked the whole galaxy over with their firmware update, they really are a bunch of thundercunts to be honest. Now they stole a load of money from honest murderhobos and fucked them right over. “Buy this Fertiliser and take advantage of the great introductory price. “and when people do they steal their money, who cares if they were making 2 billion credits per hour? I mean after the shit they turned out in that last update they should be on bended knees grovelling for people to stay. But no they took ships and credits, except they took way too much, they still owe me around 200 million, even Phisto could learn a trick or two from these shitting bandits.




Hmm I bumped into an old acquaintance this week in Colonia. Breno Zed you crettinous turd, so you’re looking for me?? If you were not such a cowardly piece of crap and stuck around you might achieve something. But no, you combat log or run away.



Come back another day fuckflaps.


My old mate Sanchez though has brightened up my week he continues his crusade in the Badlands of Sothis and Ceos, He now bestows free Arx on his victims, this I find very charitable, not only does he speed them to the station he pays them for allowing him to do it. Sadly for me my Murder Mojo died this week. The culminations of FDev the limpdicks and dirty little cheating shits like Breno have all but beaten any interest out of me. Cannot even be arsed to fly my new ride. I am sure that if you all donate generously though that my normal zeal will return.





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