Colonia Jesus

Happy Fricking Birthday CJ

Holy Shit what a fucking party, I mean it is not every day you are 3305 years old?? It is gonna take me all year to fucking get over this hangover. It is the kind of hangover that would kill a fucking clogger before he got his hands off his keyboard. Fuck knows what happened, but my arse has burns on it and I stink of deep heat, gonna have to hold on for a while before I feel up to taking a crap. I woke up 22000 fricking Lightyears from home and I literally have no clue how the fuck that happened. Urghhh the bubble so far from my heavenly oasis.



I would not mind betting that my old man has something to do with it. The cunt probably thought it would be funny to anally intrude me with a cricket bat covered in ralgex, before fucking me back off to the festering shithole called earth. I mean I kind of deserve it, I guess. The house painted in shit thing kind of annoyed him more than he let on. I mean one minute I am choosing which triple nippled beauty was getting my holy divineness for the night and then bam I was jumped by what seemed to be like the whole cast of the fucking bible. Trussed up and thrown into the ball pit at shooters for a surprise party. It was a double celebration to be honest, in the first instance it was to get me so fucked up in memory of my birthday and also to say a huge Thanks to those Cmdrs that worked tirelessly to bmake G5 Interdictors a reality in Colonia. headed up by our very own Cmdr Brap Man his efforts will surely be put to good use in the coming months and years, cheers Cmdrs for such a special gift.



Booze flowed onionhead rained down like mana from heaven and all my mates were there. I think I caught a glimpse of one of the Lost Souls in there too, still fucking crying like a salty bitch though. Anyway, all I can really remember was beer, blow an elephant and some fleeting glimpses of triple nipple Tina performing her party trick for all to see, how she got all those in her mouth I have no fucking idea. The rest was blank, more blank than Fresse Blutstroms screen after he pulled the cord for yet another clog. And now here I am, 22000 lightyears from home, no money, no ships and no fucking clue what is going on. So I looked up my old buddy Albino. He came and picked me up and took me on a wild ride of death and debauchery in an attempt to sober me up.



Dav’s got my attention first followed by an evening or two in Sothis. I see why Albino bought himself a holiday home down there, fucking idiots in shieldless ships and no fucking armour deserve everything they get. I see he has taken to spreading my own style of gospel with extreme effect. I thought I could gank but fucking hell that Albino is a ganking machine. I almost felt sorry for the poor twats we dunked that day; they had no chance. But why, why is it always those elite cmdrs that clog? Cmdr Sinisterror can you tell me???? You dirty fucking twat.



Right now though we are sat in Hajangai , home of the Lost Souls expedition burning notoriety and sticking two fingers up at Cmdr Avarice and his cronies. All those threats and all those promises of retribution hahahah fucking cuntards. I am the lord of retribution I am COLONIA FUCKING JESUS. I kind of got no idea what is gonna happen next but Bushrats crew are here in the bubble too, strange coincidence that if you cunting well ask me. I am gonna loan a ship off Albino and pop over and have a “chat” once my arse calms down. I may as well do some shit (hurts just thinking about it to be honest) while I am here too, and finally sort out a ride back to the Nebula. So till I do finally get back don’t burn the place down and stay safe my children. And do not forget 364 days till my birthday fuckers so get saving.







No fucking Parish Notices because some cunt posted me to Earth

​Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Cunts be everywhere these days; you cannot fart without one dribbling out you’re arse. And Colonia has its fair share of spunktrumpets that’s for sure. Seems everyone Is abandoning the region at the moment. The Herc bois did one to Sag A and are now safely back in the bubble, The Rats have got the fumigators in so have buggered off back to the bubble too while they try and clean their place up. But saddest of all Albino has chinned off too. Only plus side is we get to welcome a couple of old friends back to the region to fuck your shit up instead.




As for me well I got me a lovely new paintjob for my imperial clitoris. The Clipper looks great and is even better when it orgasms frag ammo all over those fucking shitnecks that keep turning up unannounced. Cmdr StarFox is back in town he was the guy that sold me the Clipper. Good to see him back in Colonia space. It had been quiet since Herc left to be honest (not surprising really as they killed most of the population), but a few Commanders are making their way from under their rocks.



Rumour has it that Lickdonger are going to change their Squadron tag soon, from LOCO to LOGO as it befits their combat style much better. Seems that they teach them the art of the Clog in basic training in Germany. I bet it is them fuckers that opened that fucking Coffee shop up opposite my gaff. They really are like fleas, small, insignificant and rarely seen but so fucking irritating. I took a wander over to The Cosmic Café, it stunk of salami and shit coffee. I asked them for a simple coffee?? You think a coffee bar would be able to do that?? NO!! no fucking chance. I could have had Vanilla Fuckshit, Mokka Craptard, Espresso Arsewipe but no all I fucking wanted was a jar of Nescafe and some fucking milk, even Aldi cheapo shit would have done. I burned the place down that night.



There has been some resistance of late though to the more unlawful activity, never enough to put anyone off their stroke mind you but resistance none the less. Cmdr Kiaido was last seen running away from my Clipper yesterday when he realised his beams merely tickled the hull beneath my shields, whereas my frags were just too strong for him. Kudos on him for trying though. Not seen the interstellar Forest Gump this week though, good old Istvan, lucky for him there is no tax on hi waking or he would be fucking skint.



So as I mentioned earlier Albino left. Colonia was to slow for him and his bloodlust was rather reinvigorated after the Lost Souls shit. He took back his distant Ganks Conda and as far as I know is back on the gonk train. Sad to see the faggot go tbh, but in another way I am glad as he shagged two of my girl so much they had to go on vacation for a month to recover and another needed her third tit reattached.



The CEI has lived up to it’s own very low standards too this week, the herc bois smashed over 150 Cmdrs in the region and not a single mention in the CEI network, I interdict one fucking ambassador and all of a sudden they want to know what or who I am and my history is analysed (or should I say analised). Well fuck you I am gonna take my place at the CEI table soon enough as the SDC rep for the region, then I will tell you exactly who the fuck I am, but just for clarities sake I will tell you now.



I AM FUCKING COLONIA FUCKING JESUS ok???? The scourge of the bath tub, penetrator of virgins, drinker of bleach, murderer of whatever I feel like. My dad is kind of a big thing in the universe despite being an utter cunt to me usually. So there now you know. And do not forget it is my Birthday sooni expect lots of nice gifts.




Lost and Found


Found : - 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks, smell slightly of shit coffee but ideal for those company barbecues. Free to whoever comes first to get them Contact CJ himself.

Lost : - Single green breast, last seen in Albino Sanchez's pocket, please return if you see him or my tit.

Lost : - missing presumed dead, 1 x coffee shop, was there last night when i locked up but someone replaced it woth 45 tonnes of Charcoal Bricks that smell a bit funky.



Situations Vacant


Instructor Position Available : Position available for Combat Log Instructor at the Likedeeler Academy, will work alongside a crack clogging squad to make sure that Likedeelers Clogging skills are as fucking excellent as they have always been. Position requires good knowledge of ALT + F4 and "Pull the fucking internet out quick" techniques. Cmdrs Blutstrom and Sato2015 lead the team but most are experienced in the art.




​A Prayer For The Lost Souls Of The Galaxy

Fuck me what a week, talk about action-packed. You can stick your fire and brimstone up your arse bloodshed and salt is where it is at. We have had tears, shocks, boom booms and just downright tantrums. Sounds like a weekend at Madame La Bushrats gaff to be honest (just without the chains and nipple clamps). It was a week of surprises as well, not just for me but for other people in the Galaxy. Albino came home my brethren arrived to a hero’s welcome and life has just been so damn rosy.



So where to start?? We can always start with the Lost Souls of the Fatherhood I guess. Fuck me they could not organise a piss up in a brewery that lot, could not get Mary pregnant in a fucking sperm bank I tell ya. Albino sent me this from the Colonia Highway.



“I am fed up with these cunts, talk about needing a good fucking walloping. I spend weeks perfecting a ship just for this very moment and do they appreciate it??? Do they fuck. Do they consider the poor Cmdrs that had to die to make sure the ship worked?? No, do they fuck, all they think about is themselves and their shitting exploration data?? All those first discoveries and lost credits. What a bunch of fucking twats. “Wow look at me flip my cunt- arsed SRV I wish I had fucking recorded that hahahahah”. “oh wow look he lifted me off the ground on his ship, I am so high hehehehe”

Well CJ I get you now, I know I am not cut out for this clean-living bullshit. The time has come to make these fuckers pay.”

And pay they did, by the bucket load. If Albino could package that salt and sell it he could keep Macdonalds in condiments for millenia. What followed next restored my faith in the young chap. You may not like it but the subterfuge and execution (in more than one way) was simply epic. What was to follow was immeasurably exquisite. Salt the likes of which has never been seen before. I dunno about the threats or bounties placed on him but it did wonders for the popularity of my sermons that’s for sure. So, I guess in some ways I should thank Cmdr Avarice for his public statement, shame he got half the facts wrong ignorant shit.



Anyway to cut a long story short, he infiltrated, fucked shit up and fucked off. They started crying and bullshitted the community. Mission accomplished buddy. I have been accomodating him for the last week at Shooters, he fucked all the girls, drank all the booze and smoked all the Onionhead and left me an IOU and 20 Hutton mugs full of tears????



What else??? Well there has been an influx of dirty gankers in the region, Mant3z and his HERC sqn have been ripping up the region, having fun with the Ratpac. I did tell Bushrat that I was getting the pest control in if they did not stop fucking multiplying. Of course with increased activity brings the dirty ass shitster clogtards to the region. Sadly Lickdonger did not cover themselves with glory this week with Cmdr Fresse Blutstrom showing his true colours (yellow). For Fucks sake you sackless cunt stay in solo If you are scared. Colonia Limpdicks made a brief appearance before quickly activating their cloaking devices, shit talk is good on the other side of the Open Play fence eh??




So, as you can see there was little room for any real shenanigans this week, the bloodbath continues and The Fatherhood are probably still wondering what the fuck happened?? On a parting note (specifically for Cmdr Irilya reinhart) I have to ask now if she thinks that when she blew up by stacking on Albinos ship at Waypoint one was really an accident?? Hmm I think not. I know she will read this as she does such a stellar effort at reading my sermons and Albinos blogs on stream.






Lost and Found


Lost : the fucking will to live after spending time with a bunch of cunts. If anyone finds any will to live please post to Albino Sanchez at the following address...

13, Wheres My Fucking Explo Data Lane

who the fuck shot me city

County wefuckedupthePG

S41 TEE


Lost : 200 Hutton Mugs at WP4 Lost souls expedition, if found send to Irilya so she can lose them all again.


Lost: cmdr Fresse Blutsrom of Lickmyassdeeler, last seen urgently stabbing at his task manager to escape certain death. if found send him home his short pants are back from the laundry after he shit them.




Found: 200 Hutton Mugs free to good home previous owner carelessly dropped them along with 3 weeks of exploration data they stupidly did not cash in. Contact Albino at...

1 wheeee look at me road

my SRV's stuck town

WTF-happenedtomyhull shire

DE4D 5RV

Situations Vacant


Expedition members needed due to unforseen circumstances, 8 vancancies available for 8 lucky candidates, must provide their own ship. Decent shields and references required. Great views and explosive meetings guaranteed. Contact The Fatherhood and if they can get their thumb out of their arse them may hire you.

NO GUNS ALLOWED




​The Runaway That Kept On Running

So, this week has been one of the funniest weeks I have had in Colonia for a very long time. Lots of new faces and a few old ones. The theme of the week has been one of pewing the fuck out of anything I do not know. Spreading the holy word like ratpac ass cheeks on the sex swing they borrowed off my dad. By the way my dad said keep the fucking thing he doesn’t want it back. Many new Cmdrs to the region have been plasma/fragmatised, or even had the holy rail enema. None however are quite like the spritely Szent Istvan Kiraly.




What can I say about Istvan?? Well he is so fucking good at running that I expect he could break the galactic record for the 100m dash, beating even the 12 legged spooslings from the planet spoosle, whose only skill in life is to move fast. This cunt has more high wakes to his name than the sum total of the Limpdicks and the Lick dongers put together. Yeah true I fucking blew him up some time ago, and yeah true I enjoyed every fucking second of it, but he seems hellbent on interdicting me now and showing me how great he is at being a chicken shit and proving his hi wake skills to me. NEWS FUCKING FLASH CUNTARD you cannot kill me if you run away, I mean he caught me the other day with no ammo on board and I still made him run lol. GIT FUCKING GUD OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY REGION you window licking retard. Although you do not always get away do you my little arsetard???? Give the dickwad his dues he has been refining his build somewhat he now has more banks than the financial district in London.


Last count I think he has interdicted me and ran away 5 times now. Even when he torped my shields (bet he came in his pants tbh) he still did one. But still keep trying dude you might get another chance one day. He is not the only embarrassment to humanity this week though, although he is a tough act to follow, Cmdr L4for9e and Willian Allure took full advantage of there Romulan cloaking technology to combat log from the game. Clearly they found my aura just to fucking Godly to be honest.


The Ratpac grows bigger still, all that bullshit about breeding like rabbits??? They should see how fucking quick these rats multiply. They are everywhere, cannot seem to pass by a system without some rat scuttling by. I have to admit though that Madame La Bushrat is scaring me these days. I mean she snogged my conda in her perfume parlour vette yesterday outside Jaques, I did not know where to put myself. The hard on I got was awesome though and my hardpoints were not extracted for many hours afterwards.



Elsewhere in the region little appears to be happening. Legionairres were spotted briefly (romulan tech must have malfunctioned), Andromeda_p from lick donger evaded my clutches with a mysterious disappearance in Ratraii, Max Bothin made an appearance and looks to be learning his lessons and bought a decent ship for once. Phisto has gone proper AWOL (conicided with me being scammed on fucking paypal too the twat). But i have had news from my man Albino, it seems somethign big is afoot, he is still inbound and has plans to enact his new lifestyle in the region. Seems like my right hand man has gone soft in the head the litte nonce.


OK dudes and dudettes, i am bored with trying to find shit for you to read so i am signing off for now. Just remember it is my birthday soon and while i would ask you for gifts, if i see you witout any i will fuck you right up ok??





For Sale / Wanted


Wanted : - Companionship, istvan is a lonely boy that craves companionship. despite his willingness to join me in space he finds he has not got the Bollocks to hang around. I seek a group that can take him in and fit his needs. The Colonia Limpdicks (legionairres) would be ideal as he is as limp as they are so would fit perfectly. You will find him at the end of a hi wake somewhere sweating profusely and cradling his well walloped arse.


Wanted : - Exterminator required for rodent incursion, must be humane and able to produce references. Requierd to deal with an explosion in the local rat population.


For Sale : - One times anaconda, used but not abused. FSD has a habit of kicking in at innopotune moments. please Contact Cmdr Szent Istvan Karily (if you can find the fucker)



Situations Vacant

Employment opportunity at the regional athletics centre, Sprint coach position available. vacancy has been filled 5 times but the candidate keeps running away from the inrterview. Would love to award the position to the previous candidate if anyone can find him and can guarantee his ability to stick to the job.






​Trust In Jesus, (he only wants what is yours)


I would like to apologise for my laziness in not greeting my flock last week, but I won’t so just get the fuck over it ok?? There were reasons (probably good reasons) but the truth is I just couldn’t be arsed. Anyway, WELCOME my children, how have we all been this past fortnite (still fucking banned by my dad the cunt btw)? For me I spent the time sorting out some business and generally doing whatever I wanted. I would like to say it was productive and worthwhile but it only gave me a hangover that would kill an exploder, and empty pockets.



Well, the good news is that my man Albino is heading to town. He has given up his ways and seen the light, I have no idea what’s up with the soft twat, but he is currently headed here as part of the Lost Souls Expedition. Seems he had too much death and debauchery and needs a holiday to get his melon straight. So, if any of you see him do say hi and point him to Carcosa where he will be staying. I booked him into the celestial suite for his stay with only the finest triple breasted beauties to look after him. I shall do my very best to corrupt this poor deluded child and revert him back to his former ways.



Seems I am not the only one to have a bit of a holiday, it has been quiet in the region this last week or two. Bush-Rat has been doing her do, recruiting the local nabs and noobs. She has even wormed her way into my dads good books and borrowed his sex swing for her “parties”, in her very own words to me.

TheBushRat:- Lol tell him I said hi and thanks for lending me his sex swing

Colonia Jesus:- i wondered where that went

TheBushRat:- Lol bless him, There’s some blasphemy for you lol. God lends Bushrat bondage equipment, Madame le Bushrat

So from now on Bush-Rat shall be known as Madame La Bushrat. Her reputation seems to be spreading, although she seems to scare off as many commanders as she recruits nowadays.



The donglickers seem to have been put back in their box again, wings clipped and thoroughly fucked on. The dickless wonders formerly know as Colonia Limpdicks seem to have totally vanished, guessing their War game was so bad they just fucking gave up altogether. The anarchists have been noticably absent also, Phisto seems to have vanished off the face of the galaxy. In fact if it were not for the Bratpac i would see no fucker round here. Although i did bump into Cmdr Amidala from Ronin of Aramak last night, pleasant chap wanted to share his lasers with me. Cannot complain tbh i was only in the system waiting for some nab in a type 10 to leave jaques so i could donate my plasma to him. Whilst i may have evaded mr Amidala i know Cmdr Peacekeeper11 was not so successful. Being the mother hen she is Madame la Bushrat stirred her bois into action with a promise of cookies, manicures and a blast on my dads sex swing. As yet any of them have yet to earn any of those bribes, or maybe the thought of the sex swing is putting them all off their stroke aim.



Hilarious moment of the week was me trying to christen Cmdr Aldarion 3twoalpha outside Jaques. having spied the Distant Worlds 2 Bullseye on his hull, i had to save his sorry soul from the dark lord and his agents. It started with a gentle rub, a little nudge, a love tap you could say i guess. His shields gently gave as we exited the slot. Within a few moments his hull was exposed and was ready to be penetrated by my hardpoints. It was at this point that it all went south. I extended my hardpoints and prepared to fire my load into the ships soft belly, when ........ nothing happened, impotent, no pew pew no pfft pfft no nothing. My heart sank as my seedless weaponry flapped in the vacuum of space. As i checked my ship my objective was slowly slipping away from my grasp, there was nothing for it i flung my ship at it's cockpit. Ramming for all i was worth, i caught a glimpse of that DW2 Decal as the lovers tryst climaxed and Aldarion exploded in front of my eyes. Exquisite pleasure lasted mere milliseconds (for me anyway) as all evidence of the affair evaporated leaving me alone outside the station. It was at this point i thought i best get the fuck out of there before the same happened to me.



Anyway my flock i am spent (in more ways than one) and have nothing else to tell you i guess, so stay safe and keep an eye out for this combat logging criminals out there. Always have a gun to hand and your interdictors warmed


See you all next week. MAYBE!!


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