Colonia Jesus

Sins Of The Sinners

A supposedly wise man once said:

Whoredom and wine" are the sins that commonly accompany idolatry. These sins dull the sensitivity and understanding so that the people no longer wish to even retain God in their thoughts.”

Personally, I think he was a fucking idiot, Whores and beer are some of the things that make life worth living. I find it quite hypocritical that the human churches took communion wine and Mary of Magdalene was a whore, yet we get told to give them up. Besides if we did that, I might need to tone down my lifestyle a little and get rid of the 128-inch plasma TV I just bought with my cut of the profits from Shooters Strip club. Besides why would they want to worship my dad the guy is old and looks like a twat always dressed in that white robe.


Shooters Beer and Boobs


Anyway, it has been another quiet week to be honest, I have been out of town on business, and the place managed to survive my absence. I finalised the deal on my very own Church and am now an official celestial being it would seem, although I feel just as shit as I usually do to be honest. What time I did have at home was completely wrecked by my fucking dad. I mean why the fuck did he have to take away the internet and ban me from Fortnite for a month? I only told him that I wanted a tattoo of my mum Mary on my arse.



We had some new blood in the region this week, Cmdr BlaesTheKerbal, bit of a nonce really came dunked a few shitfit ships then promptly did one when he got wind he was gonna come to a sticky end. Thanks to my contacts (you know who you are) for cleaning up his shite. But wait.. the gobshite that is Blaes managed to ostracise himself from his community on his less than triumphant return to the bubble. Top Tip dude if you wanna gank then at least learn how to fight. Losing to a PG PvE pilot after picking a fight with a girl is hardly gonna make you a legend. What makes it worse is he was in a cutter for fucks sake. You are off my Christmas card list now sunshine.



I guess the big news of the week is that the Anarchists have forced Exploders Nation into a treaty over Carcosa. They get to keep Carcosa (not that EN could remove them we all saw how that panned out last time ehh Wancro???) if the Anarchists leave Union alone. Well I tell you this Dunkpro Wankstaff, I couldn’t care less about your treaty and neither could anyone else. Oh and Hawkai,, I am still awaiting you and your crew moving Cmdr Hagz along. Whats up you got your botty smacked for playing with the big boys then telling tales? Just as i thought.


Finally, I hear rumblings that something is afoot. Giant penises are going to invade Colonia (no I do not mean the Dildoids) it seems that the reincarnation of the horsemen of the Apocalypse are stirring. They have changed their names to Bob, Nick, Alan and Dave and also swapped their flea ridden steeds for sleek phallic Belugas. I mean when you gank you got to gank in style. Watch this space.


Bob the Horseman




Addendum

It seems that our local fucktards lickmyassdeeler are proving to be elusive, disappearing as soon as you look at them in Colonia. Fresse Blutstrom (multiple times combat logger) if you are scared to fly in the population use that cloaking device called solo my little twatazor. Max Bothin same for you, if you want to fly round in a combat ship with guns and an interdictor try sticking around when the fight comes to you???

As a result Likedeeler are firmly on the menu, so dig in bois and have a free lunch on me. I filled up on Cmdr Mischer last night and i am still hungry tbh.





Lost and Found


Lost: 2 pairs of balls belonging to likedeeler, if found chuck them in the bin as they are too small for any conceivable use.

Lost: one times Cutter last seen in the bubble getting fucked on by PG cmdrs if found send to Blaes with a huge note on the windscreen saying “GIT FUKIN GUD”





Found: human turd seen in space round the Colonia Region scans show that Blaes dropped this when he found out he was on the menu. If anyone ever sees him again let me know so I can stick his turds in his pilot seat so they can show him how the fuck to fly a cutter.


Situations vacant


Employment offered for diligent motivated cmdr to scoop up all Blaes shit around the nebula, Temporary contract offered with possibility of full time depending if the fucking shitwit ever comes back.

Salt from heaven

Doing the CJ Jive


Welcome back to this week’s sermon my flock, I considered what we should talk about and really it all comes down to idea of acting properly to our peers. I look around and this week has been very quiet, Phisto off in the bubble doing God (sorry dad) knows what. I can only surmise it was spending those damn credits he creamed off the collection last week. I knew he was in this for other reasons than to adulate me. The now almost resident Disciples Rivertide and Star Fox have also travelled back. This leaves just me to spread the word and educate people.


I have to say minions the toilets are much better nowadays since you started cleaning them, although once again I am pretty sure the Anarchists are up to their tricks, selling the residual Bio Waste to Jaques to synth into burgers. Speaking of that souped up mechanical fucktard, I am sure he has an illegal skimmer prostitution ring going on over there in Colonia, so many unknowns transiting that system, it is all I can do to control the vermin there. Feel free to report and help control the infestation of bubble zealots and their shit fit ships.


Speaking of steaming piles of fucking shit, I see Lick-my-arse-deeler are up to there shenanigans again, The Anarchists are doing their best (in between scooping up shit and stealing my damn money… err collection) to show them that we don’t like them. The usual Combat Loggers doing their rounds too, Cmdr Irventa and Breno Zed take a fucking bow you chicken shit arsetards. I mean if you wanna fly big ships then learn how to fucking fly them or fuck off back to the bubble.


Finally, as a close out I have had some harrowing yet laughably interesting news this day. The Colonia Legionnaires, whose sole purpose appears to protect the region as long as that only means crying when Colonia Jesus © fucks them over in shit fit ships, have decided that my greatest disciple the unearthly Cmdr Hagz is KOS. TBH that’s a fucking laugh I do no think Hawkai59 has ever killed his engines let alone another Cmdr. Feel free to remind him that this is my fucking Nebula and he should just promptly take his dogshit and donate it to Phistos Burger racket.




We also have a new group in the Region Cmdr Brap-man has seen the light (tbh I had 3 guys hold him down and I shone a torch in his eyes for 4 hours) and he has left PA and started up his new endeavour, The New Order. Please welcome them to the congregation. I know that they will be a huge asset when the time comes.


Wanted or For Sale


For Sale one slightly broken Shit fit Python floating in Colonia. Please contact Cmdr Hawkai59 for details (once he gets his fuel scoop removed from his arsehole)


Wanted New Python to replace one blown up in Colonia, Please contact Cmdr Hawkai59 with details (once again when he has his Fuel scoop disengaged from his arsehole)




Lost


Credits paid for information leading to the recovery of Cmdrs Irventa and Breno Zed last seen in Ogmar Last their last moments are recorded below, Be wary that Cmdr Irventa is wanted and as proven is definitely not dangerous Despite his combat rank.





till next time stay safe, stay away from Jaques Burgers, and to Hawkai59 the salt was a huge donation to the weekly collection, and I thank you, oh and phisto keep your grubby anarchist mitts off that salt is mine.


This week’s sermon was sponsored by Salt unlimited, purveyors of the galaxies finest condiments and whining

Hail Colonia Jesus (please i insist)

To be honest I am not sure how it happened, or came about. I blame those bloody Anarchists, one moment I am there doing my do then the next I am some sort of minor deity. The region used to be such a peaceful place (on the surface anyway) then they turned up with their excitement and new ships. It started as a joke, one of those jokes that grows out of hand and now I own a bloody church. Worst bit is they keep coming to see what I have to say, and all I have to say is “get em bois” then merry hell breaks out.






Not just anarchists either, gankers, ganksters, local faction officials they all flock to hear my gospel. It is all I can do to make this shit up. I am not sure what Phisto expected from his little suggestion but he must be making some coin off it somewhere. Anyway, I may as well just go with the flow and see what happens. One good thing is that I can pretty much do what I want when I want. Cmdrs hail me across the region. I feel more like a celebrity than a religious figurehead at times.


Not exactly Celestial but it does the job and it looks hard as fuck.


Just the other day I was crossing the street.... wait that’s the wrong anecdote. Yeah, I was crossing the cruiseway to Jaques and there were O7’s and CJ’s everywhere, even the poor twat I blew up could not resist a cheeky GG as he burst in to flames. He will be back and he will join me no doubt. But what to do with all these minions? I mean I put some to work cleaning all the public amenities in all the stations for a start (poor Emil was stinking of piss and disnfectant). Nothing worse than doing your shizzle on a cack stained pan. The rest I simply ask to spread the word and get amongst them.






More recently I have considered what good I could do for the nebula with my new found status. I soon kicked that idea in to touch, death, debauchery and strip joints with triple breasted topless barmaids and Black jack seem much more appealing. There are also one or two annoyances we strive to keep in line, yes Likedeeler I am looking at your shit. A storm is on its way and it isn't a plague of locusts. Oh, the other?? Well Explorers Nation are a bunch of thundercunts that need exterminating so there is that too.



So this dude is number one on my "fuck em up" list.

So that’s introductions out the way, what next? Oh yeah, how can you help? Well git your shit in order load up some premium ammo and hunt down every combat logger you can find and frag em, that will do for a start. The pay is shite and the conditions barely better, but... you will have some fun I promise you. Hunt em down blowem up if there is any doubt whether you should or not just blow your fucking self up while you think about it. If you cry about it then castrate yourself first.





And remember above all, when the day is done you can head over to Carcosa for your daily dose, at Shooters strip joint. Tell them CJ sent you and if the bouncers don't kill you then the drinks are on the guy next to you.

Show more posts

Elite & Danagerous are an affiliate of Frontier Developments. We are not employed by Frontier Developments in any way.
The use of Frontier Developments graphics and other intellectual property is with the express permission granted to us by Frontier Developments.
The CCN logos are provided courtesy of their creator whose other work can be found
here