Colonia Jesus

​Pestilence, And What To Do About It.


It has been quite a week, tested out my new ride once I got the mini phallus back to the region, fast and spicy just like the women at Shooters Bar. However just like said women one go on those sluts is enough for me. Back to the Krait it is. The clipper is housed up for those special occasions when I want to ram it up some twats tailpipe.




Those shitty Legionnaires have been doing their business on everyone’s lawns it seems, shame that I cannot recall a single person they ever managed to kill though. Despite their impotence they remain a niggling pain (just like piles to be honest). Phisto’s boys showed them what it is about though, those anarchists do have some uses it seems. As it stands at the minute the cockless wonders are using that cloaking device (Solo/PG) to secrete themselves from view like the spineless worms they are. Although they can be found hanging round Jaques trying to score tricks from new Commanders in the region. Cmdr PewpGiggler had a tete a Tete (should have been Tete a TIT really) with me in Colonia in his Cobra. fast with his mouth and twice as fast with the hyperdrive button.




On a much more positive note we had a true celebrity in the region this week, none other than the celebrated author Mr Drew Wagar, his stay was brief but very entertaining (for me anyway). Word was beamed across the galaxy that he was inbound, and I think I hit everything on the way out of Colonia Dream to greet him in Colonia, I finally caught up with him just as he was about to drop to the station. Lucky for him I was there to help him make the last half a light second. I made sure he got there in several million pieces, minus 3 weeks of data but with a nice story to tell, quite fitting for a novelist. I would suggest you try reading some of his works, but I can’t as my agent does not like me doing endorsements and I have never actually read any of his books.


News has reached me that Cmdr Sanchez is doing the lords work in the bubble still, up to his 800th casualty evacuation. He will be inline for some award for his work one day I am sure. As will Cmdr Brap Man who has been doing sterling work proving to all that know him that he has no life outside the region save nipping to the shops for fish and chips and some coke. His efforts are unequalled in Pennsylvania and we all appreciate it. And finally, Phisto pulled his fucking thumb out of his arse and did something useful. He has written my very own Messiahs Prayer. He really captured my rugged handsomeness and kind nature in his beautiful words.



Thank you.



For Sale/Wanted


For sale or swap : 1 x Used Imperial Clipper, 24000ly on the clock and some carebear brains on the screen, unwanted gift but willing to part for the right price. All reasonable offers considerd or will swap for something that doesn't look like a dildo with stabilisers.


Wanted : Advice or medication for the removal of intergalactic vaj lice, totally not picked up at Shooters Club no siree deffo not there. Discretion guaranteed as long as it gets rid of this itch.


Lost/Found


Lost : CL76 vanished into thin air, last seen evaporating at gunpoint. Not seen since. If anyone does see them just tell them to fuck off and go buy themselves a cock so they have at least one between them.


Found : 6000 copies of Drew Wagars latest Novel "Obliterated in Colonai", discovered floating in space outside Jaques Station. Someone please take them even the Anarchists can't shift this load of shite.


Cloggers Delight

That time of the week where we name and shame those etheral fuckwits.



No video for this guy but he is a total legend (by legend i mean the arse end of your leg) CMDR CPT.LAZER from EOTB squadron clearly has Gandalf the fucking Grey in multicrew since he is able to disappear at will.


​Legionnaires Disease – Lets Eradicate It.

Hey people welcome to the weekly gathering. Wow what a wonderful week in the Nebula. My dad lifted the internet ban and I enjoyed a whole day of nuking 12-year-old nerds in fortnite, Who the fuck needs cheats when you are the son of God??? Well that’s what I thought for a good long while. Then G.ood O.ld D.ad springs the surprise on me that my real father is damn carpenter from Nazareth??? I mean where the fuck is Nazareth. And who ever heard of a carpenter called Joseph? Most carpenters I know are called Dave or Tony. Worst bit being he is still a damn virgin as is my mum? How fucked up is that?


Anyway, that all stemmed from the supposed Intergalactic Christian Day, G.O.D. got pissed when I told him I did not know anyone called Christian so why the hell would I celebrate someone I never knew?? Hmm banned from fortnite again for another 2 months, what a twat guess I will just do what I do best to pass the time. And that’s why I am writing this piece from the cockpit of an Imperial Clipper on my way back to Gankersville. 18000ly to go and some poor shitster is gonna get the sharp edge of my new toy and I will enjoy how Christian that actually feels for me.



But less of my problems, things have been tasty in the region, the Anarchists increased their footprint taking control of Pennsylvania and upsetting those fucking retarded Legionnaires in the process. They really are utter shite. You might remember Hawkai the fucktardly trying to run Hagz out of town ? lol they got proper mullered when phisto’s boys tore them a new arsehole the other night lol. Some shady shit going on there with those endless shields eh bois??

The New Order have been working hard to help. Always understated but always welcomed. Sad news has reached the nebula that the dickwads at FDEV have discharged their main man Brett C from his position. I conversed with Brett a few times he believed in the dream and was buttfucked by the corporation, I wish him well. If only he could cure our legionnaires disease before he went.

Oh yeah, despite me painting my dad’s (I mean GODs) house with bio waste last week I thought he would be pretty pissed, seems the perverted lunatic quite likes the smell of shit every hour of the day. The neighbours raised a petition to get them ASBO’d but the local council listed the place as a bloody landmark instead, now they are all out there selling souvenirs of Gods Shithouse. That guy literally could fall in shit and come out smelling of, well shit I guess. To be honest I had heard that the Anarchists were trying to cash in on it before they scum legionnaires interrupted there cash flow. I did notice though that the pile of shit I left behind Likedeelers house was now gone.

Right, I guess I should get back to the jumping so I can get back to see my wonderful flock, and to fuck those damn legionnaires right in their frame shift drives. Remember that for every legionnaire that dies you get 15% off a drink and a triple breasted beauty at Shooters.

No parish notices cos I cannot be arsed this week.

Absence Makes The Gank Grow Stronger.

This week saw me doing my family duties, Still banned from Fortnite by that cunt of a father I had no choice but to paint my fucking parents house, in the hope he would relent. But the good news is Emil (now known as Supreme leader of all brushes. Guardian of the toilets. Master of cleaning. Lord of the Lavatory), that I found a use for all that shite you have been hiding behind the sheds in Tir. The walls now look a lovely shade of shitty brown, and no fucker is gonna break in there with that smell.




While I was away again, the Anarchists have been getting heavy in the region. Breaking out the combat ships and putting them to use. Seems like some twat is fucking around with the No Look Here Gang in Pennsylvania. To be honest the Anarchists don’t need an excuse for a fight, they would wrestle their grannies for a kilo of thargoid shite, that said it seems that Schitt Staynes has been fighting with every commander in the whole fucking nebula in his battle to Git Gud. Brap Mans bois are also out there doing there best to make life hard for the less desirable factions in the region.


It is typical that all this violence is occurring when I am up to my nuts in excrement. Even the ladies at Shooters would not come near me after a day “decorating”. I booked them all in to have their olfactory glands removed the bitches, they won’t turn me down again because I stink. Should stop them sniffing all my fucking onionhead too the greedy twats.Anyway, back to my point, al this bloodshed was making me jealous. So, once I was done at the shite house I bust out the Beluga and rained some hell on the residents of Colonia, by that I mean I spent 40 minutes chasing a T9 that was travelling at 600m/s as a result of 5 forceshells up it’s tail pipe. After an hour in the Beluga the fucking cockpit stunk. I think I might have squeezed a little of my own Bio-waste in there too with all the excitement.




Seems like it is all shit and violence this week tbh, so I may as well continue the theme, we have a new brother in the ranks this week, Cmdr Mooseman Smith, bit of a console peasant but doing the lords work in sterling fashion. His actions to show commanders the way to the rebuy store was most helpful and added to the salt store immensely. Seems EPG have been breeding spineless fuckers in their faction with Cmdr MasterSG doing his disappearing act mid conflict. He has put EPG back on the menu it seems.




All the way from the bubble I have heard that Brother Sanchez has been ripping it up in Ceos and Sothis. That place is full of retards that need a pacifier enema. And if that’s not enough a rail gun therapy session usually does the trick. I look forward to the day he re-joins our congregation in the region, plus I need him to move those shagging ships out of my garage as I need the room to store some knocked off air fresheners till this whiff fucks off.



All in all a pretty smelly and bloodthirsty week in the region, not the most impressive week for me personally but at least I put my dads house into outbreak for a while should keep him busy and off my back. So please carry on the great work my children and keep spreading the shit and scraping the salt whenever you can. Don't forget that you're all welcome in the Church, my ladies will look after your every need just don't forget to wipe it on the way out. Till next week people Nanu Nanu.



For Sale/Wanted


For sale:- 6000 tonnes of chemical grade Bio-Waste, ideal for keeping the cats off your lawn and the flies close by. Bring your own bucket and nose clip. If your plan is to donate this to Likefuckers then take as much as you want for fuck all.

2 dozen human Olfactory glands for sale, ideal titbits for your pet thargoid, or as an exciting entree at your next dinner evening. Discretion advised as original owners may want them back.


Wanted:- Colonia region map for commanders that constantly go missing, Please ensure that it is legible as Cmdr MasterSG gets lost very easily.

Cmdr Phisto Sobanni and the church font, last seen being sold to tourists as a birdbath.


Lost/Found


Lost:- EPG commander masterSG MIA last seen waking to the high heavens. Reward paid for successful capture and returning to it's owner. Shit talking said commander is a must and a good rebuy would be advantagous.


Found:- Cmdr Zinaxis, in Colonia Dream. Has change name to zixerax but is still an ugly cunt you could spot a million lightyears away



Situations Vacant.

Assistant required for daily duties. The lord of the lavatory requires help with his rounds since his new title went to his head (aka lazy twat) please send resume and references to the Supreme leader of all brushes. Guardian of the toilets. Master of cleaning. Lord of the Lavatory. Pay is performance related and conditions really are shite ( i mean really shite)



Save The Whales


Another week sees me out of the region and my flock unattended. I need not concern myself with their safety though they can handle themselves well. I had business in the Bubble systems for a short while. I asked the old man for some of his magic but the tight bastard gave me some sanctimonious crap about “A penny earned is a penny saved”. I only wanted a few tonnes of materials for my new ride and he fucking said no, to make it worse he extended my Fortnite ban for another week.




So Bubble bound I was using the age old suicide winder to speed me on my way. You may remember I mentioned the impending arrival of the horsemen of the apocalypse in their dildoid crafts, well to be honest I had clearly had way too much onionhead that night (or those damn strippers spiked my fucking drink again with viagra), what I was meaning to say was the Beluga brothers were gonna be in town soon. Now before you laugh consider 7k of hull and 5 forceshell cannons up your arse when mocking me.



Still rather pissed off by the old mans attitude I shit in his halo before I left, last I heard was he was more like a black and white minstrel than the creator of the multi-verse. I am for it when he catches up with me I know that much. Anyway my stay in the bubble was short, ground up enough materials to engineer a fleet of murderwagons. Visited a few of those second rate bubble engineers to get me going bought giant vibrator painted it gold, killed some poor sod in Laksak then promptly flew the thing back to Colonia.




I do not fuck around me. Imagine a woman doing that? She would have gotten the wrong suicide winder cried about it before some man helped her out, bought the wrong ship 3 times and then it would be the wrong colour and she would need to return it twice till it was just right (incidentally she would get the right ship from the very first dealer she visited anyway despite having tried them at a dozen other places). The materials would be fine she probably hoarded them for the last 45 years anyway, engineering now thats a laugh, what do women know about engineering? Stick to engineering steam irons I say. Then finally she would fuck it up reversing out of the station and it would be back in the shop for 4 weeks being repaired while she runs round in a courtesy hauler shopping for more shoes.


My absence was noticed from the region with many followers messaging me across the void, wondering how Colonia was without me there? I only hope Phisto feeds the hookers and cleans those damn pipes. Emil will need keep on top of the sanitation it was fucking rancid last time I used the bogs in Phoenix Harbour. But soon I was on my way back, my chosen ride was a Beluga Liner. Now you may ask what the holy hell I am doing in one of those? Well what better way for your local minor deity to travel than in the luxury of a Saud Kruger ship? Plus as pointed out it hurts like buggery when you get a fully war fit luga up your arse.


Back in the region I finished the final bits of engineering and put the Jesus Chariot to a test, She performed well, I spent 5 minutes shooting force shell cannons at people and 40 minutes trying to catch the fuckers up. Poor twats are in their own re run of lost in space now drifting somewhere because I lost them after that. The following attempts were much more successful. I was ready Cmdr Schitt Staynes (yes you read it right) was here in my twin ship the rail luga. Winged up we set about the business of restoring faith and godliness in the region. Imagine the surprise of being interdicted and when you look in the scanner you see 2 belugas? I mean wtf???


Cmdr Chemha of The Freelancers was particularly of note. After 2 lucky escapes (thanks fdev you bunch of cunts) he was seen arriving in Jaques Station. Funny fucker thought he could sneak in… Well I got news for you retard, you took one hell of a beating. Last seen in a billion pieces 50 yards from the entrance to Jaques Station. Yeah I bought rebuy but I am the son of Colonia God FFS I am eternal. The Gods of instancing failed myself and Schitt Staynes that day but we did not fail Colonia.


Anyway less of a sermon this week but more of a diary, I will be back in the fold next weekend. One final thing before i go remember that we still hate fuckdeeler and cmdr japseye (hawkai) is still KOS the little fuck.

Sins Of The Sinners

A supposedly wise man once said:

Whoredom and wine" are the sins that commonly accompany idolatry. These sins dull the sensitivity and understanding so that the people no longer wish to even retain God in their thoughts.”

Personally, I think he was a fucking idiot, Whores and beer are some of the things that make life worth living. I find it quite hypocritical that the human churches took communion wine and Mary of Magdalene was a whore, yet we get told to give them up. Besides if we did that, I might need to tone down my lifestyle a little and get rid of the 128-inch plasma TV I just bought with my cut of the profits from Shooters Strip club. Besides why would they want to worship my dad the guy is old and looks like a twat always dressed in that white robe.


Shooters Beer and Boobs


Anyway, it has been another quiet week to be honest, I have been out of town on business, and the place managed to survive my absence. I finalised the deal on my very own Church and am now an official celestial being it would seem, although I feel just as shit as I usually do to be honest. What time I did have at home was completely wrecked by my fucking dad. I mean why the fuck did he have to take away the internet and ban me from Fortnite for a month? I only told him that I wanted a tattoo of my mum Mary on my arse.



We had some new blood in the region this week, Cmdr BlaesTheKerbal, bit of a nonce really came dunked a few shitfit ships then promptly did one when he got wind he was gonna come to a sticky end. Thanks to my contacts (you know who you are) for cleaning up his shite. But wait.. the gobshite that is Blaes managed to ostracise himself from his community on his less than triumphant return to the bubble. Top Tip dude if you wanna gank then at least learn how to fight. Losing to a PG PvE pilot after picking a fight with a girl is hardly gonna make you a legend. What makes it worse is he was in a cutter for fucks sake. You are off my Christmas card list now sunshine.



I guess the big news of the week is that the Anarchists have forced Exploders Nation into a treaty over Carcosa. They get to keep Carcosa (not that EN could remove them we all saw how that panned out last time ehh Wancro???) if the Anarchists leave Union alone. Well I tell you this Dunkpro Wankstaff, I couldn’t care less about your treaty and neither could anyone else. Oh and Hawkai,, I am still awaiting you and your crew moving Cmdr Hagz along. Whats up you got your botty smacked for playing with the big boys then telling tales? Just as i thought.


Finally, I hear rumblings that something is afoot. Giant penises are going to invade Colonia (no I do not mean the Dildoids) it seems that the reincarnation of the horsemen of the Apocalypse are stirring. They have changed their names to Bob, Nick, Alan and Dave and also swapped their flea ridden steeds for sleek phallic Belugas. I mean when you gank you got to gank in style. Watch this space.


Bob the Horseman




Addendum

It seems that our local fucktards lickmyassdeeler are proving to be elusive, disappearing as soon as you look at them in Colonia. Fresse Blutstrom (multiple times combat logger) if you are scared to fly in the population use that cloaking device called solo my little twatazor. Max Bothin same for you, if you want to fly round in a combat ship with guns and an interdictor try sticking around when the fight comes to you???

As a result Likedeeler are firmly on the menu, so dig in bois and have a free lunch on me. I filled up on Cmdr Mischer last night and i am still hungry tbh.





Lost and Found


Lost: 2 pairs of balls belonging to likedeeler, if found chuck them in the bin as they are too small for any conceivable use.

Lost: one times Cutter last seen in the bubble getting fucked on by PG cmdrs if found send to Blaes with a huge note on the windscreen saying “GIT FUKIN GUD”





Found: human turd seen in space round the Colonia Region scans show that Blaes dropped this when he found out he was on the menu. If anyone ever sees him again let me know so I can stick his turds in his pilot seat so they can show him how the fuck to fly a cutter.


Situations vacant


Employment offered for diligent motivated cmdr to scoop up all Blaes shit around the nebula, Temporary contract offered with possibility of full time depending if the fucking shitwit ever comes back.

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